


All the Comforts of Home

by alittlegreenrosetta



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Ridiculous Premise, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-12
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-05-06 09:11:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5411162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlegreenrosetta/pseuds/alittlegreenrosetta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Joker and Harley have landed themselves back in Arkham but things around the asylum have changed. A rich donor has turned the women's wing into a new women's rehabilitation center full of amenities the men's wing lacks. Obviously the Joker can't be expected to live in squalor while Harley has a comfortable new room.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MissTreason](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissTreason/gifts).



It wasn’t the sound of her door opening that woke up Harley Quinn. It was the presence in the room after it opened. His presence. Neither her mind nor her body were capable of ignoring the initial jolt of excitement she felt when he came near. Not even when she was asleep. She hadn’t seen the Joker in two weeks and feeling him approach her now lit her up like a firework. She started to shout a happy and excited ‘Puddin!’ when she felt his hand cover her mouth.

“Shhh! I don’t mind having to kill any guards that come in but wouldn’t you rather we had a little fun before they drag me back to my cell?” Mr. J asked her. She nodded enthusiastically.

She didn’t know why it had taken so long for him to find a way out of his cell and into hers but she was desperate for this conjugal visit. Maybe it was for the best that it had taken some time. The first week they were in Arkham she was too angry at him to want to see him. She had told him that busting up a fundraiser for bat habitats at the mansion of Bruce Wayne was a stupid idea but he just had to do it. Who cared about taking money from bats? They were kind of cute in a hideous sort of way. Of course a billionaire like Bruce Wayne would keep Batman on speed dial. He probably had the vigilante on a retainer for security services. Batman had broken up their little hostage situation in record time and here they were back in Arkham again. Still, it was where they met so it was sort of romantic.

Speaking of romance the Joker had moved his hand and replaced it with his mouth. She moaned at her first taste of her lover in weeks. She pulled the oversized t-shirt she was sleeping in over her head, only breaking their kiss for a brief necessary second. His hands immediately started gliding over her skin, stopping at various curves to give her body a firm gripping squeeze. It felt like he was checking to make sure she was still real, that he remembered this body under his. She used her own hands to try and wiggle her panties down.

“In a hurry, Harls?” He whispered in her ear. Goose bumps flashed down that side of her body and she felt an ache of desire in the center of her body.

“Yes, I’ve missed you so much. I want you so much.” She replied quietly.

“Hmm, so no foreplay? What about my needs?” He asked with a laugh. She tried to think of what to say but before she could reply she felt a sharp tightness against one hip and heard the cotton of her panties rip as he tore them off of her. She smiled, happy to know he’d been teasing her about slowing down. She pulled his Arkham issued shirt over his head and tossed it across the room with a loud giggle while he pushed down the matching pants.

“You have to be quiet, baby, or Daddy will have to leave.” He pushed his long slender thumb into her mouth to give her mouth something else to do besides make sound.

The Joker grabbed one of her thighs and pulled it over his hip and pushed into her quickly without any more foreplay. She had been ready from the moment he touched her, the only thing keeping her from screaming her delight at his sudden thrust into her body was her preoccupation with sucking and nibbling on his thumb. He moved his mouth to her nipples, scraping and pulling at them with his teeth while he fucked her. She was overwhelmed with sensation. His cock filling her and thrusting in and out would have been enough to drive her wild of course but the scrape of his teeth on her skin, and what was driving her craziest of all for some reason was the gentle stroking of her cheek and jaw that he was doing with the hand attached to the thumb she was currently swirling her tongue around. She wrapped her legs around his back to pull him deeper into her and started using her strong thighs to push and pull against him even faster and harder. The bed bounced and added to the motion of their fucking. She was so close to coming, if he just didn’t shift positions and kept everything exactly as it was she was going to come any second and it was going to be intense. So of course he stopped completely and held her still with the weight of his body.

“Harley, is this bed bouncing?” He asked. It was pretty dark in the room so she knew he couldn’t see the details of the look she was giving him, which was good because it wasn’t a nice one. He did not stop fucking her right before she came to ask about her mattress, did he?

He pulled his hand away from her face and his cock out of her body, she couldn’t help the disappointed whimper that came out of her mouth. Then he stood up and looked down at her bed. He pushed up and down on it making the mattress bounce. She didn’t understand why he had stopped fucking her to check out the bed. Then in the dim moonlight streaming into her room she could see his head turn as though he was looking around the room.

“What the fuck is this, Harley?” He sounded angry. What had she done to make him angry?

“I don’t understand what you mean, Puddin’? I thought we were having a good time.” She was close to tears, she had been nearing a state of euphoria and now he was mad at her for some reason.

“Harley, that mattress is bouncy. Mattresses at Arkham are not bouncy. They are slabs of smelly material that feel like cardboard laid on top of a metal base. They do not bounce, they do not smell clean, and they are not soft and comfy.” He explained. Oh! Now she understood.

“Ok, I know what you mean now but I gotta tell you, I’m a little offended that a mattress could distract you from fucking me.” She sat up and tried to pull him back into bed with her but he stood there waiting for an explanation. She sighed and let go of the dream of having an orgasm. “Some crazy old bat kicked the bucket and left all her money to Arkham for the creation of a women’s rehabilitation center. I’m being rehabilitated. It’s really nice, Puddin’. Everything is clean and new, the food’s good and we get to do yoga twice a week. I’m sorry it’s not so nice in the men’s wing but maybe someday someone will leave money for that.”

“So while I’ve been sleeping on a metal cot in a closet sized cell you’ve been over here living it up in the lap of luxury?” He kept his voice quiet but it was sharp and accusatory.

“Well, yeah. I guess? It’s not like I had a choice, Mr. J. If I thought they’d let you have a room over here I’d do whatever I could to get you one but it’s just for women.” She didn’t know what else to say.

“Oh I am going to have a room over here, pooh. This one. I’m moving in.” The Joker informed her. Did he really mean it? He was going to live here with her? She couldn’t help herself, she stood up on the bed and jumped into his arms.

“Yay! I’m so excited! I’ve missed you so much.” She tried to keep her voice down but it was almost impossible to do with such exciting news. The Joker apparently decided it would be easier to shut her up if he just kissed her so he did and soon enough they had returned to their interrupted conjugal visit. Only it wasn’t a visit because he was going to stay!

After they were done she felt herself starting to drift off but she pulled herself out of bed to go to the bathroom. When she turned the light on to the separate bathroom and started to shut the door, Mr. J looked up at her.

“There’s an actual bathroom with a door?” He sounded incredulous. She remembered that the men’s cells just had a metal toilet and sink attached to a wall with no privacy. She felt a little guilty suddenly for how good she’d had it while he suffered in the other part of the asylum. “Is there a mirror?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m supposed to say inspirational affirmations to myself in it every morning. Things are real different now.” She answered. Mr. J jumped out of bed and walked into the bathroom with her looking around at the small but clean room. He suddenly punched his fist into the mirror.

“Aww, Puddin’, did you have to do that? It was so nice in here.” She pouted a little but watched as he took the washcloth that was hanging in her shower and used it to pull out a large splinter of glass. He wrapped it around the shard and made a handle for his glass knife.

“There, just a little something to help make sure no one tries to evict me.” He gave her a kiss on the nose and walked out of the room. She looked over at her busted mirror and sighed. Well if it helped Mr. J stay with her it was certainly worth it. As she cuddled up close to him in her twin bed she remembered that anything was worth it to be with her Puddin’.

The next morning when the women’s orderly came to her door and knocked Harley shook Mr. J’s shoulder a little to let him know that they had company. She knew the Joker pretty well and she had a pretty good idea about what his plan to get to stay would be. She might as well play her part to the fullest. Once they were both out of bed he crooked a finger at her and she came to him and turned with her back to him right away.

“Good girl, Harls.” His praise was so wonderful she almost forgot to pretend to be scared when they opened the door to her room but she managed to wipe the smile off her face just in time. When the woman on the other side of the door saw the Joker in the room with a shard of glass held to Harley’s throat she gave a surprised scream which made Mr. J laugh. Harley wanted to laugh too but she was playing the hostage and wasn’t allowed to. The orderly didn’t bother trying to confront Mr. J but instead called security. What she thought security was going to do Harley couldn’t imagine.

What security ended up doing was standing around her door in a semicircle with their guns pulled and looking at each other trying to decide what exactly it was they could do. The Joker just laughed the entire time. Harley sort of hoped one of the security guys decided to make a move, it had been weeks since she’d had a good dust up. Sure they were armed but that didn’t scare her. Of course they didn’t do anything. Maybe they could read her desire for a fight or maybe they were just too afraid of Mr. J. She doubted it was that they were really scared that the Joker would kill her. This hostage routine was really just a trap, he was hoping someone would come close enough that he could take their gun and increase his kill count. Eventually Dr. Leland pushed her way through the crowd of guards. Dr. Leland had been Harleen’s supervisor when she worked at Arkham and now she was the head of the women’s rehabilitation center and Harley’s personal therapist.

“What is this Harleen? Do you really expect us to let you leave because the Joker has a piece of glass against your throat? I’m afraid that’s not going to happen.” Dr. Leland informed them.

“Oh I’m not trying to leave, doctor, in fact the whole point of this is that I want to stay. Right here in this room. I’m not going back to that hellhole you call a men’s wing. Since I’m going to be living here we’ll need all our meals brought in to us. I think that’s it, you can call off the S.W.A.T team.” The Joker told Dr. Leland. When she didn’t immediately agree to what he had said or call off the security guards Harley felt the shard of glass bite into her skin, probably giving her a small but bloody cut. She felt a little ache of pleasure at the thought. She bit her lower lip and closed her eyes, she hoped it looked like she was doing it out of fear and not desire.

“Alright. For now. Security stand down. Have the orderly bring them breakfast.” Harley opened her eyes in time to see Dr. Leland turn and leave. The security guards backed away from her doorway, afraid to turn their backs on the Joker and Harley Quinn.

That went better than Harley hoped but she guessed Dr. Leland didn’t see much point in people dying just to take the Joker from one cell to another. She was glad that Mr. J got to stay, though a little blood shed would have been fun. She’d forgotten about her own cut until the Joker pulled the glass away from her throat and licked the trickle off her neck. She gasped and looked at him, hoping he was in the mood to play but he was already walking away from her and going into the bathroom. She heard the shower start up and sighed. Last night’s play time felt like an opening act, she was ready for the next moment of pleasure. Oh well, he was staying in her room with her and there wasn’t a whole lot else to do.

Not long after they'd had breakfast Red came to her door. She had been thrilled to find her best friend was already in Arkham when she was brought in by Batman two weeks ago. They even had rooms next to each other. It was time for yoga and the orderly on duty was always nice about letting them walk to the exercise room together. Harley hadn’t been thinking about her yoga time when Mr. J decided to stay. She was sure he wouldn’t let her go since she was supposed to be a hostage and all but she really liked the chance to get some exercise. It wasn’t like they let her do cartwheels down the halls. She was just about to explain to Red why should couldn’t go when the Joker came to stand next to her.

“Well, well. Looks like the brand new women’s rehabilitation center already has a problems with weeds.” The Joker hated her best friend but loved to torment her any time he could.

“What is he doing in here, Harley?” Pam demanded.

“I was just about to tell you that, Red. Mr. J came by for a visit last night and seeing how nice things were over here he’s decided to move in with me. Isn’t that great?” Harley smiled at her friend but Poison Ivy just kept glaring at the Joker.

“Where is your room Pammy? Maybe I’ll drop in for a visit, if I can just get my hands on some weed killer.” Harley sighed. These two could keep this up for hours.

“It’s right next door, you should come over anytime. They let me have a few plants here to keep my spirits up, I think I have one you’d just die to see.” Harley walked away from them and sat down on her bed. Neither of them noticed she was gone.

“So you’ve been right next door to Harley this whole time, how interesting. I hope you’ve been keeping your stamen to yourself. I know how much you’d like her to give your flower a sniff.”

“Stamen are the male sex organs of the flower, idiot. And don’t blame me if Harley takes a liking to ‘flowers’. Who could blame her if she’s tired of rotten old wood?”

“Will you both please just stop?” Harley asked. No one acknowledged her but the orderly who had apparently been too timid to interrupt two of Gotham’s most notorious villains seemed to finally decide she had no choice but to try pulling Poison Ivy along to the yoga session before it started.

“Aren’t you coming, Harley?” Red asked before she left. Harley looked up at Mr. J’s face and knew the answer was no.

“Sorry, Red, not today.” She said sadly.

“Don’t pout, pumpkin. Get your mat and show Daddy what you’ve learned. I promise you’ll have a lot of fun.” His voice dripped with the promise of sex and Harley jumped up with a happy squeak.

“I’m glad I’ll be out of my room. Try to be done before I get back.” Red complained as she walked off with the orderly.

They started their ‘hot yoga’ session with downward facing dog and worked through a couple more poses before Harley had melted into a satisfied puddle of happiness. This whole sharing a room at Arkham was turning out even better than she had expected. Here Mr. J couldn’t spend his time plotting his next battle with Batman or use all his energy building some new Joker themed weapon. All he had to play around with was her body and he was doing a wonderful job of it so far. And she was definitely getting a work out so missing yoga no longer made her sad.

At two o’clock there was another knock on her door. She had forgotten about her daily therapy session. She looked over at Mr. J and realized once again she wouldn’t be allowed to leave but she was pretty happy about it this time. She really hated her daily therapy time. It was such a waste of time and unlike the other inmates she didn’t even get to waste that time talking about herself. All anyone ever wanted to talk to her about was Mr. J. So that’s what she talked about, only not the way they wanted her to. She gushed about how wonderful he was while the doctor constantly tried to steer the conversation back to how bad he was for her. The Joker went to her door this time, probably hoping it was Red back for another bout of insults. It was Dr. Leland of course.

“What’s this, doc? Checking up on our little hostage situation?” The Joker asked.

“No, it’s time for Harleen’s therapy session. I don’t suppose you’d let her come to my office for that?” Dr. Leland should have known better.

“No, she’s going to stay here but feel free to do your session anyway. Harley and I don’t have any secrets, do we?” He looked over at Harley. She managed not to laugh. She didn’t have any secrets from him but she felt almost sure he had secrets from her. Or maybe he just had secrets from himself and so from her by default.

“No, Puddin’. No secrets.”

“If you are sure you want to I guess I can conduct your session from the hallway. It won’t be very private though.” Dr. Leland told her.

“That’s ok, it’s not like anyone asks me anything personal anyway.” Harley grumbled as Dr. Leland waited for a guard to bring her a chair. Harley stayed where she was sitting on the bed. Mr. J came over and laid down, propping his feet up on her lap. It looked more like he was getting ready for a therapy session.

“Alright, where did we leave off yesterday, Harleen?” Dr. Leland asked.

“Harley!” She and Mr. J corrected in unison. The Joker chuckled and gave Dr. Leland a smug look.

“If you insist. Where did we leave off, Harley?” Now that was funny, Dr. Leland generally refused to call her by her chosen name, insisting it was unhealthy. People had a way of changing their tune when the Joker was around.

“The same place we always leave off. We were talking about Mr. J. I’m pretty sure you wanted to talk about ways that he hurts me and manipulates me. And I’m almost certain that instead I was telling you about how amazing he is and how happy he makes me.” Harley answered. It was true, every session was just a rehashing of the same thing.

Dr. Leland cleared her throat and looked up at the Joker nervously. “Well how about today we talk about the situation you’re in right now? How do you feel about being taken hostage by the Joker in your own room?”

Harley looked over at Mr. J. He gave her a wink letting her know she could say whatever crazy thing she liked. “I think it’s great, I think you should think it’s great too. Mr. J gets a nicer place to stay, the guards are in less danger cause he’s got something else to do with his time and I get to spend time with my Puddin’. You should really be more grateful for Mr. J’s brilliant idea to move in with me, Dr. Leland.”

“You know day after day I point out all the terrible things the Joker has done to you and you explain to me how they were really quite wonderful things for him to do. What do you think that says about you, Harley?”

“Well if the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results then the real question, Dr. Leland, is what do you think it says about you?” Harley had barely finished her sentence when the Joker started up a really loud crazy laugh. Dr. Leland just looked irritated.

“I expected better than that from you Harleen.” Dr. Leland said. “Is there any chance the laughter is going to let up soon?”

Harley looked at Mr. J, he was really enjoying himself. “Probably not, once he gets started like this it can go on a while.”

“Harley, can’t you please try and think about the situation you are in right now and look at how clearly you are being used and manipulated?” Dr. Leland asked while massaging her temples with her fingers. Apparently Mr. J’s laughter was giving her a headache.

“Doctor, I’m confused, Mr. J wants to be with me here in my room. Isn’t that what people in love want, to be together? I don’t understand how you can see it any other way. If he just wanted to be in the new section of the asylum he could be in any of the rooms, but he’s not, he’s in mine. Maybe you should take some time and try to look at things more clearly. I don’t think I want to talk to you any more today.” Harley turned her back to the doorway making it clear that she was done with her session. After a minute she heard Dr. Leland shut her door and walk away.

She felt worn out. She got so tired of having to defend her relationship. Everyone always assumed they understood who she was and what she wanted and they assumed that like them she didn’t understand the man she loved. Of course they had it all wrong. The only one who understood her was Mr. J and she was the only one who understood him. And neither of them cared what the world thought of them but the world just kept shouting it’s judgements at her. Never at him, they were too afraid of him. Except for Red, she loved to shout at the Joker. Harley sighed. She realized that Mr. J had stopped his crazy laughter and was staring at her.

“You’re not really going to let all that get to you, are you pumpkin?” The Joker asked her. “I thought I’d taught you better than that.”

“You did, it just gets me down sometimes. I’m sorry, Daddy.” Harley laid down next to the Joker and snuggled up against him.

“I have an idea that will cheer you up. How about we see who can come up with the best death for everyone here at the asylum?” It was the type of game they played often, the Joker always won but his ideas were so funny and made her laugh so hard it didn’t matter.

“Oh, Mr. J, you always know just what to say!”


	2. Chapter 2

The Joker and Harley managed to amuse themselves for the rest of the afternoon and evening. When her clock read nine o’clock Harley realized that having the Joker here with her had once again changed her usual routine.

“Gee, I guess Red isn’t going to come over tonight.” She couldn’t help sounding disappointed.

“What do you mean come over? She visits you every night?” The Joker asked giving her a suspicious look. She had mixed feelings about his possessiveness of her around Pam. On the one hand it was nice that he wanted her all to himself, on the other hand sometimes possessive turned into violent and cruel.

“Sure, it’s a privilege we earned for good behavior, we get to visit for an hour before lights out.” Harley explained.

“And are you feeling sorry that you won’t be spending time with your toxic little friend tonight?”

“No, I just wish she could get along with you better. It’d be nice to be able to be in the same room with the two of you without death threats.”

“It’s not a threat if you follow through, would something like that work for you, baby? Daddy could pull that nasty old weed for you.” His voice was teasing but she didn’t like the joke. It would make her sad if Mr. J really did kill Red.

“No, Mr. J. I know you hate her but she’s my best friend.” Harley looked away from him and hoped he would let the topic drop. She was in luck because he decided to change the course of the conversation completely.

“You know what I haven’t done in such a long, long time, baby?” Mr. J asked, his tone sultry as he started toying with the waistband of her pants.

“I don’t know, Puddin’, killed a guard?” She asked but her voice was distracted, she was too caught up in watching his long fingers tug her pants down.

“No. Well yes but that’s not what I want to do right now.” She lifted her hips up and he whipped her pants off. He started kissing his way from her knee up along her inner thigh. She stared at the erotic sight in front of her and felt her breathing start to speed up.

“Right now daddy wants to have a little taste of his pumpkin pie.” He looked up at her hungrily while running both hands up her thighs slowly. He slid his hands under the sides of her panties and pulled them down roughly.

She didn’t know what to do. There was nothing she liked better than Mr. J going down on her. The things he could do with his tongue! But she was incapable of being quiet when he did it. It was almost physically painful not to release her pleasure through screams and cries of delight. The intensity of feeling might blow her head off if she didn’t. The problem was she really didn’t want the entire women’s rehabilitation center hearing her vocalizations. And they would all hear it, there was no question about that. If she was loud during intercourse she was deafening when the Joker ate her pussy. And he really hadn’t done it in a long long time. Maybe she could keep it down a little, she thought as she spread her legs wide for him. He gave her a wicked grin and started running his finger up and down the center of her pussy, lightly teasing her for what was about to come next.

The Joker lowered his face between her legs and spread her outer lips with his thumb and forefinger. She watched as his long tongue swirled lightly around her clit. She gasped loudly at the tingling pleasure that shot up through her body. He’d barely touched her and it was already getting too intense for her to keep quiet. He licked his way down to her slit and pushed his tongue into her. He nudged her clit playfully with his nose, while he looked up at her with amused eyes. She yelped and then tried to quiet down again. His eyes went from happy to annoyed. He turned his attention back to slithering his tongue around inside her. It shouldn’t feel this incredible to have his tongue slipping in and out of her but it really drove her wild. She grabbed her pillow and covered her face so her moans and cries of pleasure didn’t get loud enough for her fellow inmates to hear. Suddenly Mr. J’s tongue was gone, he wasn’t touching her at all. She moved the pillow and looked down at him. He was staring at her angrily.

“Harley, you’re making me think you don’t like what I’m doing to you. I’d be disappointed if that were true. Is it? Do you want me to stop?” He asked her. She immediately started shaking her head no.

“I love it, Mr. J. I don’t ever want you to stop.”

“Well then take that pillow off your face. How am I supposed to know you’re enjoying yourself if I can’t hear you?”

“It’s just I don’t want everyone else to hear me.” She said nervously. Mr. J wasn’t a big fan of changing your behavior to please others.

“Well if it bothers you so much I think we should stop. But if you want me to keep going then you’d better scream for me, Harls.” There was a tone of warning in his voice. She nodded and put her pillow back behind her head.

He pushed her legs up so her knees were at chest level and her pussy was spread open wide for him. His hands gripped the backs of her thighs hard enough to bruise while he licked and sucked at her clit. Now she really had no choice but to get loud. The pain of his fingers digging into the flesh of her thighs combined with the intense pleasure he was giving her was her very favorite way to feel and if she didn’t sing out about it she just knew she’d die. She screamed as he pulled gently on her clit with his mouth, sucking and tugging and driving her out of her mind. She looked down at him and saw that he was once again watching her with a pleased look on his face. Well if it made her Puddin’ happy to hear her cries of pleasure who was she to deny him that? She decided to just let go and wallow in the ecstasy.

“Oh, yes! Oh Mr. J please don’t stop!” She cried loudly as she started playing with her breasts. Her nipples hardened quickly as she pinched and pulled at them. She knew she was very wet and she could feel the Joker’s chin make contact with her slit as he pushed his face further into her pussy. The thought of her juices covering his mouth and chin turned her on even more and she pushed her body down on the bed a little to open herself up even more to him. He moved his hands from her thighs and she rested her feet on his shoulders. He pushed her outer lips close together and then ran his tongue between them from the bottom to the top, pushing his tongue forcefully against her folds and clit. It was utter bliss. He did that again and again while she begged and pleaded for him to never ever stop at the top of her lungs. She heard a banging that she thought was her heart about to burst out of her chest until she realized it was one of her neighbors banging on the wall.

“Will you two shut the fuck up!” She heard Red scream through the wall. She couldn’t help but laugh and felt Mr. J do the same against her body.

“Sorry, Red!” She screamed back. And the Joker pulled her lips apart again and really went to work on her clit.

“Oh fuck! Oh, use your fingers, please Puddin’!” She screamed even louder. She knew if her pussy was empty when this orgasm hit she’d be in physical pain with nothing for her muscles to clench around. She felt him slide two fingers into her pussy. He started pumping them in and out with a twist and curl of his fingers. The words “Fuck Yes!’ flashed in her brain like a blinking neon sign.

She had faced death many times since she got together with the Joker. Most of the time it was at his hands. It was scary and thrilling all at once. Even though she knew she should run from him, time and time again she ran towards him instead and trusted that at the end of whatever he was doing to her he’d stop just short of actually killing her. Not one of those moments felt as close to death as she felt as this orgasm approached. It was huge, overpowering. She was afraid to give in to it but knew she’d regret it if she didn’t. With her thighs trembling and her breath coming in hard gasping pants she surrendered herself to her climax. It was like grabbing a live wire that shot pleasure through her body instead of electricity. If she was screaming when she came she didn’t feel it, though she knew she probably was. All she could feel, all she was aware of was the euphoric pleasure. And then after she hit the peak instead of drifting back down, she floated away. It was like her consciousness floated in and out on waves of pleasure.

“Harley. Haaarley. Come on baby, let Daddy know he didn’t short circuit your brain permanently.” She heard Mr. J say to her. She opened her eyes and found him looking at her face curiously. She gave him a big dopey grin and closed her eyes again. “I was beginning to think you weren’t coming back from that one.”

“Am I back?” She asked dreamily. Where was she back to? Oh that’s right, she had a body and it was lying on a bed in Arkham. She opened her eyes again and looked at her beautiful, wonderful Puddin’. “That was so, so, mmmmmm.”

The Joker laughed at her. “You aren’t really making sense pooh but then half the time you don’t make any sense.”

“Sorry, Daddy. Did you want your turn now?” She asked, coming back to herself enough to remember that they had been having sex.

“That’s ok, pumpkin. Daddy got exactly what he wanted. Go to sleep.” He pulled her closer to his body and she snuggled against him.

“Good night, Pammy!” The Joker yelled out.

“Asshole!” Red screamed back. Mr. J started laughing and Harley drifted off with the sound of his laughter dancing around in her mind.

When Harley woke up the next morning the Joker was already out of bed and pacing around the room. That was a good sign that he had a plan for something, she wondered what.

“What’s going on, Puddin’?” She asked sleepily.

“I was just thinking it might be time for us to go home, pooh.” He looked at her speculatively, like he was trying to decide if she was right for a role in his plan and then he smiled at her. Apparently whatever he wanted done he’d decided she’d be perfect for.

“Are you sure, it’s sort of nice here. The bed is better than ours and the food is definitely better.” Honestly she didn’t care about either of those things, she just wanted to stay here in this room with Mr. J, with nothing to do and no place to go. It had been the best day she could remember in a long time.

“A gilded cage is still a cage, Harl. Besides, don’t you miss the babies? I’m sure they miss you.”

“Aww, Bud and Lou! I do miss them. I hope the goons are taking good care of them. Ok, you’re right, we should go. What’s the plan?” She really did miss her babies even if she would sort of prefer to stay here for a few more days. It was like a second honeymoon except they had never had a first honeymoon. Or a wedding for that matter.

“Do you have another therapy session today?” He asked.

“Sure, every day at two.”

“Oh good, you’ll be home in time to give the babies their dinner.” He started laughing and she giggled a little too. She still didn’t know what he expected her to do but the Joker liked to explain his plans just before they happened so she put it out of her mind for the moment.

They whiled away the morning with playful nonsense. With nothing else to do and having satisfied even Harley’s sex drive the day before, Mr. J told her jokes and stories, cuddled with her and did the sort of silly things people in love did when they spent time alone together. She wished other people could see him when he was like this. No one seemed to ever really believe her when she told them there were moments where he was tender and loving. A guy pushes you out of one window and people just harp on in it forever. Most people saw the Joker as a funhouse mirror, distorted and twisted but always producing the same affect. She knew he was a kaleidoscope of ever shifting colors and patterns, most of them pain and suffering but sometimes the turn of the wheel landed on pleasure or love or joy. And all the patterns were beautiful to her, even the ones that hurt. Sometimes especially the ones that hurt.

Just before two o’clock they pulled themselves out of their little world and got ready for Dr. Leland’s arrival. She knew this was it for their time in Arkham and she sort of said a little goodbye to her room, the first two weeks had been nice but nothing special but the last thirty six hours had been magical. Still, it was time to go. They had responsibilities and obligations in the outside world. Chaos to cause, blood to spill.

The Joker handed her his shard of glass and before ducking into the bathroom said, “Have Dr. Leland escort us to the exit, Harls.”

So she knew what he expected now without any more detail than that. They worked well together. She knew he didn’t think of them as a team exactly but they were one. She turned the shard around in her hand to its length was hidden against her forearm and waited for Dr. Leland to arrive for her therapy session. As soon as the doctor’s gentle knock sounded on her door Harley put a look of panic on her face and pulled open the door quickly.

“You have to get me out of here, Dr. Leland. He’s in the bathroom, we don’t have much time. He can keep this room, I want one of my own.” She didn’t try to lay on wanting to get away from the Joker too thick or Dr. Leland would get suspicious. Just a little implication that this was too much Joker in too small a space. It was still hard to believe if a person really knew Harley but most people didn’t really understand her feelings about her Puddin’.

“Follow me, I’ll send security in after we get you out of here.” As soon as Dr. Leland turned to lead her out of the room Harley grabbed her and held the glass shard to her neck.

“Don’t bother calling security, Dr. Leland. You can just walk me and Puddin’ out yourself.” Harley told her as the Joker exited the bathroom and laughed his crazy laugh at the sight of her with her hostage.

“Well done, pooh. You make Daddy so proud.” Harley felt her cheeks grow warm as she beamed with happiness.

“Harleen, don’t do this. You aren’t like him, you have the weapon now, use it to stop him and free yourself.” Dr. Leland, as expected, wouldn’t go down without a little attempt at therapy.

“Oh, doctor, when are you going to realize that Mr. J isn’t the dragon, he’s the knight in shining armor? Now let’s go, before he gets the urge to slay someone.” Harley dragged Dr. Leland along with her as they headed out to the hallway.

The first security guard they came to was so intent on keeping his gun trained on Harley that the Joker was able to quickly knock him out and take his gun. The rest of their route out of the asylum was punctuated with gun shots and maniacal laughter. Once they made it to the parking lot and found a car they could hot-wire the Joker pistol whipped Dr. Leland and left her lying on the concrete. Soon they were on their way back to the hideout to see the babies and plot Gotham’s next big surprise. When they opened the door and heard the eerie laugh of Bud and Lou echo through the hideout, Harley felt the warm joy of being back in the place you belong most.

“Gee, Puddin’, I guess it’s true; there’s no place like home!” She declared as Bud and Lou greeted her with wet slobbery kisses.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, this was a silly idea but hopefully an enjoyable one.


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